Weekend Interrupted

This weekend's plans were looking fun: USDAA on Saturday, mine and Molly's very first time in P3.   Sunday was to be barn hunt training in preparation for our October trial.  

But Wednesday night Molly started bothering me to go outside.   She ran out in the pouring ran and started eating grass, eating grass.   I got frustrated with her and went out in the rain, took her collar and marched her back under the porch to come inside....she ran away from me and threw up her entire dinner, and then retched some more.   A few hours later she seemed to feel better, so we gave her her evening Kong.   Molly can be a "pukey" dog but if she has an appetite we generally just carry on as normal with her.   One AM she threw up everything that she ate from the Kong, she threw up more outside.   Thursday morning it was clear she did not feel well, and I decided to withhold food.   I tried to give her a Pepcid but she refused to eat the small amount of cheese that I had hidden it in.   In hindsight I wish I had forced her to eat it.

I came home to a liquid diarrhea mess and several more piles of vomit throughout the house.   I convinced Molly to eat a small bit of plain turkey but she soon refused anymore than about two bites.   She absolutely refused to eat pills wrapped in turkey so I had to shove them down.   Very unusual, the only time Molly lost her appetite was years ago when I was a zombie due to strep throat and left her bag of kibble sitting on the floor and went to sleep for about 14 hours straight.   She ripped the bag open and buffeted Molly style - and so that evening when I gave her dinner, she didn't want to eat it.   Because she was packed solid with food already!  I panicked then because Molly never ever refuses food...but when I found the dog food bag all was clear.    But I digress.

Anyway.  Molly never refuses food.   We have had two intractable diarrhea episodes this year (brought on by my own overindulgence and resolved with Flagyl) and most recently, one strange episode of vomiting and nausea that she bounced back from in less than 24 hours with fasting and Pepcid.   This most recent episode was unusual and fast becoming scary.   It got much worse through the evening.   It was a beautiful day outside but I couldn't do much but sit at home and watch Molly and worry.   She did not vomit or have anymore diarrhea, but she was so uncomfortable.   She had episodes of shuddering, of panting.   She would get up and just stand there staring off into space, she would stretch in downward dog or the reverse way.   She would ask to go outside but then just stand in the yard like she had no idea where or who she was.   It worsened and worsened through the night and every time she would lay down and relax or drift off and I thought the medicine I forced down her throat was finally helping her feel better, she was up again and stretching and uncomfortable.   She lay down for a long while but at 1AM she got back up and stretched downward dog and just stood there, frozen.   She was shaking.   I knew at 6am I had to go to work.   I knew that if she was in this state at that time I would be a complete wreck if I had to leave her home all day feeling this way, and possibly (and likely) worsening.    So we went to the emergency vet.

I called ahead.   Always do that when going to the emergency vet.   You can get a lot of the formalities and paperwork out of the way, and the staff know what's coming.   There was nothing crazy going on with Molly.   Gastroenteritis.  Subcutaneous fluids (I do love SubQ fluids, feeling that big cold hump below the skin and petting it - weirdo.) and an anti nausea injection.   We were sent home with more Flagyl, orders to continue the Pepcid/Flagyl combo that I had started Molly on.   Molly walked out the door with more of her usual peppy swagger than we came in with.   I got about two hours of sleep before work.   Molly was not good in the morning.   I was told to fast her, but I thought for sure with the fluids and injection she would happily eat her medicine in a Pill Pocket.   No.   And then she even refused butter.    I again had to force the pills down.  Really scary for me, because I knew it meant she was feeling very bad.   When I left her she was laying on my living room floor, so uncomfortable she did not even want to be on the couch.   She was just laying there looking miserable and confused.  

When I got home from work the difference was like night and day.   I got the plain turkey out of the fridge and offered it to her and she sharked it right up!   Gave her a little more.   She ate it all and then went and slept for a few hours.   Still very wiped out but with the return of the appetite I was feeling great!    She took her pills with no issue hidden in her "bland diet" food.   She ate her whole Kong (stuffed with more plain food.)   She then stole Perri's food while I was shooing away a door to door salesman!   Yep, she's back!  

I obviously still scratched our runs from the USDAA trial.   Since the trial was very close to me, I went anyway to cheer on our friends.   Our friend Sly the border collie had a really nice day and got his long sought after last Standard Q needed for his Performance Dog title.  (as well as his P1 Gambler and P1 Standard title).   Much celebrating!  

I kept Perri in the car all day and did some work on simply approaching the trial building.   I did what I used to do with Molly when we would be in a trial that she would shoot over threshold if we went into the building too quickly.   I got Perri out of the car and stood a few feet from the car.   And I waited for her to orient to me.   Praise and food when she did.   I observed Perri having a very difficult time even as soon as she got out of the car.   Hypervigilance and a long delay in being able to orient to me.   This is a big deal and something that Perri and I need to work through.   How can I expect Perri to be confident and focus in the ring otherwise?   We did this probably three or four times throughout the day.   Often I rewarded Perri with retreat from the trial building as well as food.   No real improvement today, just a lot of information for me.  

One time Perri was particularly lost in scanning and our friend Donna came out of the trial building, Perri saw her from far away and became over joyed and wanted to dash towards Donna.   I love this, because in a moment when Perri was lost and overwhelmed by the environment, the "environment" produced a much loved friend.   It is a bit like how I take her into the building and get people to pet her, but in this case, Perri was stationary and allowed to take things in on her own rather than having me manipulating what happened.   I did not plan for Donna to walk into Perri's line of vision, it just happened - and I think it was a very good thing.  

More work like this.   I am hopeful for the fluoxetine on board, that when it really begins to take effect and hopefully help Perri, that it can aide her comfort level and ownership of her environment.  

After the trial I took Perri on a nice hour long walk at a nearby and favorite lake park.   Not the way I expected our weekend to go, but all worked out well in the end.

Perri Starts Medication Week One

Way back in March, when it became evident to me that Perri and I were experiencing a progress backslide in a big way, I mentioned that I felt it was time to try some medication to help with her anxiety.   And that I would likely avoid it for some time more.

And I did.   I started Perri on an over the counter supplement called Composure and experienced some moderate reduction in Perri's stress behaviors.   Her refluxing decreased and her explosive reactions towards other dogs diminished (did not disappear.) and I felt we were able to make some training progress on that front.   Very encouraging, until we stalled.   Agility continued to be an up and down, upsetting battle for us until a month ago when I finally decided that both of us had had quite enough.

But other areas of Perri's life were not improving, they were getting worse.   Perri's stress drinking had escalated to the point where she was drinking so much that she was leaking urine in her sleep at night - I even had to buy diapers for her.   This makes me feel very embarrassed.   Even if I would let Perri out just before bed, she would either have drank so much that she could not empty her entire bladder, or she would drink after I had gone to sleep.   I had to get strict about pulling up all water bowls at 8pm.   This caused an issue in the morning before work though.   On occasion, Perri will have episodes of paralysis in our own yard where she is too busy staring and scanning the area to focus on peeing.   There are times when Perri will be so caught up in this behavior that she will out right refuse to pee and will "hold it" until I get home from work.   That's about 17 hours or more.   When I started to take up the water at 8pm, I feel I took a coping mechanism (her drinking) from her, and it increased the scanning in the yard as a result.   Not only did she not have to pee badly from all of her obsessive drinking, but she was not able to relieve her anxiety with her drinking coping mechanism.   There was a specific morning a few weeks ago that I watched her scanning the yard, totally lost in her world and refusing to pee for me.   I was so frustrated with her I could scream.   I took her out three separate times that morning and she could not come "back to earth" to pee.   I was late for work.    I have been late to work because of this behavior in the past.

This was my breaking point.   My dog needed help.   I have worked so hard with her all these years and she has worked really hard too.   We have come so far together.   And this year has made me feel like a complete failure to her.   All of our progress seemed plateaued.   I was and still am devastated, but my human emotions are no help to Perri.   She needs help.

I scheduled an appointment with a highly recommended veterinary behaviorist  and over two weeks reassured myself that this was the right decision.   It has been a grey area for me.   My dog is not crippled by her anxiety.   Separation anxiety used to be a problem for her first year with us but she responded so well to training, became comfortable in her environment and bonded with us and our other dogs.   Crate anxiety seemed to be linked in with the SA but we were also able to resolve that with training.   I know that we are so very fortunate for these accomplishments that Perri was able to achieve.   She never becomes a panting, shuddering mess.   She has never bitten anybody or another dog.   She does not pace and refuse to settle.

I was asked at our appointment many questions, but I was asked what I feel that Perri's biggest issue is.   I said that it is Perri's scanning environments, what I am told is called hypervigilance.   Perri is not frantic but she sort of stresses down into this stoic trance and just stares and turns her gaze over and over the environment, like she can't possibly come to terms with it being a safe place to be.  Stuck in her own personal hell.   It breaks my heart more than anything else because it makes me feel the most helpless.   Sure enough, she did this exact behavior in the exam room (despite it being a very cozy room with a couch for us to sit on and no tell tale metal exam table as a typical exam room would have.)

Other issues discussed: the fear reactivity episodes towards other dogs (the exploding and lunging), the obsessive drinking and nibbling (displacement behaviors), the extreme startle responses to any object she perceives as a threat (keys, brooms, the baton on agility, etc.), her intense aversion to harnesses and things being placed over her head and our lack of progress on this front.   The more I talked about life with Perri the more sad I felt for my strange funny little dog, trapped in her own personal hell.   Agility trials and what has been going on there was certainly discussed, but they are not my focus.   I see a very clear plan there for Perri and I, and I have already identified a lot that I can adjust about my own behavior and expectations.

Since I feel that mine and Perri's progress in training has stalled I was very open to the idea of medication.   We discussed various options and the positives/negatives of each, which I did find to be a bit overwhelming.   Big decisions.  We ultimately decided to start on Fluoxetine (Prozac).   This may not be the right medication for Perri but it is where we will start.   It can take some trial and error and patience to find the right medication for your dog, and I understand this and am open to it.  

I was told to expect some sleepiness and that GI side effects could be possible (diarrhea, vomiting, loss of appetite.)   We are about four days in at this point and I have seen no sleepiness but Perri has skipped a meal here and there or half a meal.   That is not unusual for Perri.    No reflux or GI upset.  We will not start to see effects of the medication until up to weeks 4-6, though many dogs respond sooner.   I am very glad that I chose to stop doing agility trials with Perri, it really takes the pressure off and allows us time to adjust to our new venture.   We will continue the Composure.

It was a little tough for me to decide to write this all out, knowing that while I may not exactly have many readers - this blog is public.  And this is a decision that I feel sensitive about.   It is not a decision I came to easily or made lightly.   It is recognizing that my dog's brain isn't functioning correctly and after five years of training and work, her brain needs help to work better.   I want Perri to feel safer in her world.  I intend to give her that help no matter what, because I sure have tried everything else to the best of my abilities (with great successes!)   And so, I have written all of this.   So that I have something to refer back to some day, and so that maybe if another person is where I am at - they can read what Perri and I have done.   I know I have read other people's stories online and they have helped me a lot.

Poodle Plan

I will admit that just as much as I love running agility...I equally love getting good photography of my dogs running agility!   This past weekend's trial even moreso because I had just clipped leg bracelets on Perri - a fun new grooming experiment that I am loving!   And I was excited to get some photos of her in her new haircut.   Rich Knecht Photography never disappoints!

All confidence charging up the dog walk! 

She's getting reaaaaaal close to gettin' air over the top! 

Perri has an appointment with an opthamologist next Thursday.   And each morning this week, I gave her a Composure and I truly feel as though we are seeing a difference.   I will continue this daily for a month, give it a try, along with continued behavioral training to work on her reactivity towards other dogs.

Monday was the first day.   When I got home from work I set up the weaves and we had a really fun and successful (though short!) training session alternating with snow pounce games.   I am looking forwards to the snow melting around here so we can do some more fun proofing exercises at the park.   Then agility class at our training center, no weave faulting even when I asked our instructor to stand right at the end of the weaves - and a happy poodle on the course besides that.

 Today in particular a dramatic difference was seen.   Each Wednesday, Perri spends the day at work with a good friend of ours.   Two weeks ago Perri was ill at ease in the same setting, curled in a tight ball on the office dog bed and alert barking all day long at things she would not have even noticed a month ago.   She also had a very intense reactive episode towards a young boxer on her lunch time walk.  She obsessively drank obscene amounts of water (a vet-checked nervous habit that was very severe when she first came to live with us.)

Today she lay on her side in the dog bed, relaxed.   There was no alert barking.   The obsessive drinking was diminished.   She did bark one time at a dog on her walk, but focused on our friend when her name was spoken (and was given treats for doing so - she responded to her name and ate food, great signs.)   Definitely a different, more at ease dog.  I truly believe the Composure (I doubled her dose this morning) as well as the work we have been doing at the park regarding her reactions to dogs, is helping.

We are moving forward and finding our way.   There is nothing so comforting as landing on your feet and moving forward with A Plan.  

March AKC Agility

Perri returned to AKC Agility today after over 6 months off.   As usual, things did not go as planned.   It was not a weekend with much to be posted on Facebook, not a weekend with much to brag about.

On Friday Standard was great except for a missed weave pole entry.  It was a very challenging entry and I understood why Perri had missed it.   But when I put her back in, she weaved hard and driven and popped out at the tenth pole.   I made her redo them and she did her thing where she gets in, skips a few and then continues weaving.   She finished them, and the rest of the course.   Okay.   Cool.   A bit disheartening for me though.   Nothing upsets me like weave pole issues.

In JWW we had a whole other issue.   In the back of the trial center there was a double glass door, absolutely beaming with afternoon sun.   As soon as I saw it, I knew it would be a problem.   And it was.   Over three jumps, over the triple jump and she locked eyes with that door and shut down.   She drifted around a jump.   I picked her back up and she did a very uninspired set of weave poles and then the rest of the course with no emotion.   Just duty.

Again.   Again we fall down.   Over and over again.   It's always something.   I always felt like that with Molly.    Something, some weird reason why we just can't get it together.   But come on, a bright door?  And what's with the weaves?   We were doing so good.   Perri was becoming a Normal Poodle.   And now she is once again an Abnormal Poodle.

I had a nice double shift on Saturday to get my thoughts in order and my chin up for Sunday.   Perri is Perri.   I have to accept her for who she is, I have to not beat myself up over her weird moments.   Enjoy what she has to offer and know that I have tried my absolute best with her.

Standard went well until we NQd with a perfectly understandable wrong course.   Video included, I should have verbally collected her after the tunnel but I didn't and she went back up the A-frame.  For the weave poles I vowed to not crowd her entry.  It starts well but she leaves the poles early on.   I asked her to redo them and she comes out at the tenth pole.   We sort of fall apart on the course with my late rear cross but oh well.

JWW was next and I was freaking about the opening.   I don't often do start line stays with Perri but I did so on this course and challenged myself to do two front crosses.   The opening was the hardest part of the course.   From there we have another pop out of the weaves at 10 and then I pushed her to the wrong side of the tunnel.   And she drops a bar due to a poor approach and another fall-apart at the end.   Perri rarely drops bars and becomes startled and has confidence drops when it happens, you can even hear me say "It's okay!" and cheer leading her after it happens.

I wrote almost a month ago about how Perri's reflux had worsened and she was losing her appetite, all since Molly's diagnosis.   It got worse before it got better.   Over the last week, Perri finally started to eat again.   She started to return to normal.   But it really troubled me how much Molly's health problems rocked Perri's world.   Perri absolutely could not deal with Molly and I being stressed, abnormal, or anything but strong constants in her world.   The day before the first trial I had a very emotionally charged day for non-dog related reasons.   At home that night Perri suddenly became spooked by a lamp that I have had since December.   She refused to come downstairs on the couch with me all night.  Heaping on top of everything else, Perri was attacked by an off leash dog and received a minor bite that broke the skin while we were out in the woods hiking three weeks ago.   Since then her mild fear reactivity has intensified to a concerning level.   We have been working on it and I already do see improvement within the last week, but it will be a long road back.

I feel so at a loss, in life and in the ring with my girl.   She had fun no doubt this weekend, there were a lot of awesome things to be grateful for.   But her reaction to that bright light worries me and her behavior over the last month and a half saddens me.   I have long been delaying an appointment with an opthamologist to have Perri's eyes checked - that needs to happen.   And I have even longer been avoiding some medication to help Perri regulate her stress level.   But I think it is time.   It is past time.  Even now I know I may continue to avoid that pursuit, but I am getting closer and closer.   I want my girl to have some peace.

As for the weave poles, I think they will fall into place when I resolve Perri's emotional turmoil.   If.  As ever, as always, we will try our hardest and fight our way back to that Normal Poodle state of mind that Perri achieved so briefly just two months ago.